Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
