Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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