you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
