I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
