you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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