And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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