o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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