Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
