i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
