Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
