my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
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I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
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I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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