Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
