hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
