No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
