She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
