Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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