He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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