just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she told me i tasted like america
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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