She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
