If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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