I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
