Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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