If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
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Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
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my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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