ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize