fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
wanna go halves on a baby?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
