i don't plan on having that self control this summer
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My ass is underappreciated
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
