Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
