I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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