Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
