i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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