Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
