How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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