I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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