He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
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Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We need to get me chipped asap
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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