Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
