I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
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now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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