Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
