I look better un-naked...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
