I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
