he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
