I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Can you bring me the toilet please
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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