after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
and she was petting her beer can
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
