I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize