at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
