can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
