my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
