If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
