Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
did i just pee glitter
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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