Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sorry about my life...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
