FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
