i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
