he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
