The maid of honor just puked.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
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