oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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