One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
