I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This toilet bowl is my home.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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