you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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