It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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