he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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