I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
