Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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